12-Nov-2025, Loneliness in Superiority.

Neocities is too quiet. This is something most people love about it, so it feels a bit silly to say it. It's how I feel regardless.

I've been on social media spaces since I was 10 years old. It started with g00gle+... Yeah, I used to actually post on there. Who even does that? Next came p1nterest (fun fact, I still use that very same 10+ year old account), and y0utube. I would interact with people often and constantly. Even during my teen years spent on twitter, and my present days on art insta and FFXIV, I'm constantly surrounded by instantaneous feedback on everything I do. Even if I don't get likes or comments, I get views. I get acknowledgement. I feel like I'm alive, because other people can see me. How can I really prove I'm alive without being observed by others?

To make things worse, I believe I am great. I believe I'm really, really great. I think I'm "better" than a lot of people. I feel entitled to other people's attention, and when I don't get it, I just want to isolate myself and destroy myself socially. I don't deserve people -> people don't deserve me. The thought loops just like that.

I already believe I'm special, important, great and all that. Sometimes, I want others to see it too. When I put effort into even a silly website like this, I subconsiously yearn for it to be fawned over. I almost expect it to be fawned over. By who? Just... people in general. The hivemind. The globalised culture. Whatever you want to call it, which feels instinctual thanks to being in social media spaces for over a decade now.

This, I suppose, gives more context as to why I couldn't keep myself off the internet no matter how hard I tried. I couldn't stick with my app-less flip phone either. I need to be a part of the grander, larger world. There are so many voices on here. So many voices that will go unheard by the majority. My voice is one of those. I can't stand for it not to be, even if I have to deal with the pain of it not being heard.

One day, I'll have something to prove for all this loneliness, isolation, and superiority. One day, I will finally, FINALLY, create my life's works. I won't even care if they end up adored or hated. I would just be happy they can be observed. I would just be happy that their existence can be proven by people other than me.
~ K
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10-Nov-2025, Executive Dysfunction.

I realized that my site has been getting views (and claps) despite my inactivity, which makes me happy :) I haven't had the motivation to code for these past few months, because I don't really have the motivation for anything at all if I'm honest.

All I've been able to do lately is mindlessly play FFXIV, grinding in occult crescent and collecting mounts/minions. It's a lot of fun, but the weight of all my abandoned hobbies isn't easy to ignore...

You might be saying, "Erm... if you want to do other things, just do them lmao", and you'd be right! It really is that simple. If I want to draw, I should just draw. If I want to code, I should just code. The same thing could be said about studying I suppose.

My excuse for avoiding my hobbies and responsibilities is simply that... "I can't". Why can't I? I don't know. Everything is too "time consuming" and difficult for me to do, even things I like.

In psychology circles, I hear this being called "executive dysfunction", which is found mainly in AD(H)D. I don't have AD(H)D, and I'm pretty sure about that. I feel like attributing these traits to some mysterious undiagnosed condition is... stupid. I used to do this a lot as a teenager, was seen by multiple specialists, and was never diagnosed with anything of the sort. I guess I'm just lazy, or something.

Maybe, I put too much pressure on myself to create. Maybe, by telling myself that my oc stories and the visual novels I want to make for them are my "life's work", I'm holding myself to a ridiculous standard. Maybe that ridiculous standard paralyzes me because I don't want to disappoint myself, or my characters. My characters feel so real... I feel like I want to do them justice. I can't half-ass anything, but I'm too lazy to give anything my all. Therefore, nothing ever gets done at all.

I envy people who are able to live by the sentiment that things should just exist first, bad as they are, and should then be perfected/improved later. I can't stand anything I create to be imperfect, even temporarily. I know it's unrealistic and ridiculous better than literally anyone, but I can't help it.

Whatever... All this is to say that pretty much nothing at all has changed in terms of my personal projects since the last time I wrote a blog post. I'm enrolled into college, I guess. In my mind, my course is not as important to my life as my dream visual novels, but I still end up putting more effort into it. Maybe that's exactly the reason why I put more effort into it. To me, it's not like my entire life depends on my college course... even though it technically does, moreso than my visual novels which will only ever exist for personal gratuity, not even money or fame.

I'm done overcomplicating things for today.
~ K
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08-Mar-2025, First!

HELLOOOOO... New page dropped. I might use this as a blog page from time to time :3 Or maybe not. It's been feeling really weird to be personal and honest online lately, so I might delete this page out of the blue xD I keep wanting to run away over and over again when I feel like people know too much about me...

I hate social media partially for this reason, other than the data stealing and overwhelming distractions. It sucks because I feel like as an artist, I can never truly leave. Nowadays, I've been very interested in game dev, and I know damn well that there's nothing else to do as an aspiring indie dev than market online -_-;

I'm trying to find a balance that makes me happy. I don't want to be overly involved in social media spaces because it is genuinely terrible for my mental health, as cliche as it sounds. I... really don't like who I am when I'm online. This isn't about my online persona. It's a genuine, inseparable part of me that I'm fond of. I mean the way I act among other people. All I want to do when I make a new connection is sever it. I even considered that I may be aplatonic a few weeks ago because of how strong my aversion to connection is... At the same time, I don't want people to read this and think I'm an asshole...! I'm not!!!! Just conflicted, and very, very scarred...

I don't really consider myself aplatonic. However, it did make me realize that I enjoy much more than friendship this feeling of... professionalism. I call it the "coworker zone"... I feel much more comfortable in conversation when there are rules and etiquettes to follow. Is this a symptom of being virgo brained? Probably. It's ridiculous how accurate my birth chart is...

But I digress. Honestly, the main takeaways here are that I hate socmed but I'm trying to figure out the best place to integrate at a minimum, and that I'm trying my hand at gamedev. I actually already got started on drawing sprites, lol... Now comes the actual programming :,)
~ K
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